My Dick...

Written 8/31/23 as an initial opening message to a female I matched with on an online dating site. Her dating profile said that she likes 'big dicks' (amongst other things, so no judgment).

The following was my initial message:

So first off, I really enjoy the energy of your profile, specifically your directness 😃

Secondly, and I’m only bringing this up because you said it in your profile, what actually constitutes a big dick? I’m guessing it’s the physical member and we’re not talking about Lizzo’s unifying theory of ‘Big Dick Energy’ (BDE as the kids say 😉).

And that brings up a related topic, what actually is the right way to measure a dick to see if said dick meets the standard of ‘big’? As a man, science still has not told me whether you measure from the top, the side, or underneath. Hard or soft? Personally I really think it should be a ratio of length to girth, but since the US won’t even switch to the metric system, I’ve kind of given up hope on that becoming adopted into main stream pop culture.

Also, all of the above is a lot easier for me to say because I feel quite solid about my dick. We’ve been through a lot of hard times together, lots of ups and downs, plenty of sticky situations, and you know what?… we are still friends! If it were ever allowed back on Yelp then my 5 star reviews would finally be public again! I mean if Trump is allowed back on Twitter, then surely there’s hope for my dick.

Okay, that was all a lot and I hope you picked up my playfulness and sarcasm in it all 😄.

Also hiii. Nice to meet you 👋🏻 🙃😁